imsryimlate:

So you wanna up your hoe game, but also everything is impossible and you want to die? This is the post for you!

1. Embrace the shittiness. Don’t accept it, strive for recovery, but embrace your limitations because self-love is a core value of successful hoeing. 

2. You want to look hot as fuck but also you can’t wash yourself because basic hygiene is TOO HARD RIGHT NOW. Invest in mamma’s little helpers: dry shampoo and face wipes (broke ho version: baking soda and baby-wipes). You can do your hair and wash your face in like .2 seconds. You can even do it in bed. Amazing.

If doing your hair is NOT going to happen today: just throw that shit in a. a bun b. a side braid. There ya go. Rotate as needed and throw in a bandanna or headband every now and then. Nobody knows you are dying inside.

3. Your look needs to be on point but you are currently a gutter trash animal inside. Don’t even worry! Get yourself some trusty black leggings, comfy sweaters, and large boots. Sleep in these leggings and sweaters. Wake up. Put feet in large boots. Outfit sorted. The large boots are key, because a. they hide your mismatched/dirty/missing socks, b. they pull the outfit together. This can actually look super on-purpose with pretty much any style. In the summer time, sleep in your undies and then pull of a comfy dress and boots. You can do this pretty much every single day by spicing things up with a scarf or cardigan or what have you and no one really notices.

4. You need to be on that eating shit, because an unhealthy ho is an unhappy ho. When I’m doing well, I cook all sorts of yummy healthy stuff. But when I get depressed my brain is like, “Um, no.” I’ve learned the safest bet for me is to buy food that I will actually eat and ignore what your grocery bag is “supposed” to look like. There have been month long periods where all I buy is cereal and popcorn. I supplement with fruit and salads when I can. That’s okay, just feed yourself. My best ho tip is to stock up on granola bars that you like. I got through three months of this semester by eating a Clif or Laura bar for every meal during my classes/bus/in bed. Its cheap and its easy and it means you aren’t skipping meals.

Also, buy a water bottle and drink out of it as much as humanly possible.

5. Take your birth control, anti-depressants, vitamins, and whatever else at the same time every night. Put then on your nightstand next to a large jar of m&m’s. Take the pills, eat some m&m’s, have an easier time sleeping knowing that your basic health needs are taken care of.

If face wipes fuck with your skin, or putting off a shower for yet another day is an ongoing part of your routine, the answer is Cetaphil’s “Gentle Skin Cleanser.” Idk what kind of wizardry is involved, but it’s face and body wash you can use WITHOUT WATER. Literally the soap equivalent of dry shampoo.

It doesn’t advertise that fact, but right on the back there are directions for “use without water.” You just slather it on and wipe it back off with a cloth or tissue. It leaves my face feeling clean, not greasy, but also not dried out at all. There isn’t any weird residue or stickiness, it’s not perfumed, and it doesn’t cause breakouts. It’s just… magical soap that requires the same effort as applying body lotion. Oh, and it’s not really expensive, either. (You can get a two pack on Amazon for $13, which will last a while.)

It’s been a lifesaver for me when my various debilitating shit strikes all at once, and my desire to freshen up rivals my desire to stay in bed. Now we just need a workaround for brushing your teeth, the final boss of depressed personal hygiene.